just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
