you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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