wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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