my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
