please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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