He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
