You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
