Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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