i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I just had sex on a roof
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
