So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
