you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
