there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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