I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
