if you like me you must not know who I am
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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