Can i not drive my cunt home
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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