It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
