shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
i believe in u and ur pee
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
