Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
