Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
