why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
