JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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