I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
