My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
