so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
