She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize