he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
