Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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