shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
