Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
