ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
