I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
