My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
