Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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