I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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