dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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