I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
