I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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