Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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