new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
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