I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
