Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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