don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
