i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
