mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
