Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
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