while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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