oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
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