Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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