I am puke
I want to make a zoo with you.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
