She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
