maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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