when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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