i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
