4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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