ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
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