I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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