i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize