I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize
