someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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