We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
