this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Randomize
