I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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