I wish my penis had an off switch
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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