she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
