4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
