I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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